Farewell, My Friends!

I've had just enough time...  to say farewell but I'm not sure about the return...

This is my dead bonsai plant that I found too beautiful to stay dead...


Farewell, my friends. I regret to write this note.

But my health took a turn for the worse and I’ve to spend more time managing it which did not leave me quite enough time to write – at least not in the quality or with the same passion I had been sharing with all of you, my friends.

So I sought to "revive" it to give it everlasting beauty...

Recent events have also forced me to redirect my attention to other more pressing matters and is another reason why I have to leave. 

I don’t know when or if I will be back. Maybe, one fine day after I licked my problems and the sun is shining brightly; I may just find the energy to do it all again. Nothing is definite in life; that much I know. 

To remind me that memory can preserve beauty forever...


So meanwhile, it is farewell. Thank you for all the beautiful moments. I will cherish them and the memories of some of you will never fade, you know who you are. I did not have time to say individual goodbye so I apologize for saying it here. Sorry.

I hate long drawn out goodbyes so this is it, I’m turning my back and walking away with heavy steps. The leaves are falling...

          Something will never die if we don't let it...        
          It may not live on in its original form but it can still live -        
          In other different but no less beautiful way...        

Thoughts on Dying and Death.

I've had just enough time to...   mourn the passing of a friend

Death in the Cycle of Life in the lotus pond in Taiping Lake 

Last night (this was written before my trip and posted after) I attended the funeral of one of my friend’s mother. We who were a closely knitted group during high school, now meet as a group only on weddings and funerals. I was the youngest and had left the group though some members still meet regularly for badminton and suppers twice a week. Thus, I have not much to add to the free-flowing conversations but listened with interests. They are good friends but I was always sort of an outsider within, then and now. The trouble was and is with me - a loner of thoughts, a dreamer, impractical and more than a little odd. They on the other hand were regular guys out for a good time, uncomplicated.

Our conversation was not a happy one that night. Not because of the passing of our friend’s mother. Most of us in the group treated death quite casually. The aged have lived their life. They died. It is meant to be. There is nothing particularly sad about it. Death is accepted with resignation, more than sorrow. We may recalled some episodes that involved the dead, felt a few tucks at the heart but generally accepted that death is inevitable and that dragging on just create suffering all round. In this, we are surprisingly similar in thoughts and feelings. Thus, there is very little sadness felt in the funerals we attended of the aged.

We were sad that night because our conversation is not about the dead but the dying and it concerned one of our gang. We learned that one of us did not make it that night because he is terminally ill in hospital with pancreatic cancer, last stage.  Four chemos in a month, the unbearable pain, the despair. In the end, it did not make a difference. He is dying. Why are we talking like he is a piece of bad news? Why are we not feeling it like a blow that floored us? Why are we not on the floor?

Many leaves and flowers have fallen leaving the branches bare...

So many memories. More of his idiosyncrasies than his virtues. More of his embarrassing behaviors than the quiet conversations we had. It made me sad that I did not express any of this to my friends. Why didn’t I? Is it because grief is a very private matter and cuts too close to share it honestly without devaluing the purity of the emotion? Maybe my friends are feeling the same but they are not showing it either. I asked his brother-in-law how was his emotional state. The answer pained me and I wonder (not for the first time) how I would feel if it is me.

One friend remarked that if I wanted to see him, I should visit soon. Again, the thought what I would want if I were him circled like vultures over my head. I know I would hope for a dignified death but if I cannot have that, I would not want others (including my friends) seeing me in a pitiful wasted condition suffering from pain from which they are helpless to release me from. I would not want that. I think it will make me feel worse if my friends visit me. But then, that is me. How would he think? What would he think of me as a friend for not even coming to say the last farewell? What would my other friends think, all of whom will do what most will do? Because they are my friends, what they think of me do matters but should I do what is expected of me or do what feels right? There is no right or wrong, that much I know. But do I follow my heart and my thoughts of doing what is best for my friend or what is best for me? I know if I did not see him before my trip to China, I will probably not see him again after my return.

On my first day in China, I received a text message informing me of his passing...

The Sound Of Falling Leaves

I've had just enough time to...   listen to the sound of falling leaves...

Taken one chilly morning in the backstreet of The Rock, Sdyney

Leaves fall

The speed of tears

Smash the ground

Silently splash

Quivering echoes

Through silent streets

The Giant cries

Tears as many as leaves

Catching the mournful wind

Through skeletal branches

Till no more leaf is left to shed

Then deadly silence

Winter is here to stay

Sometimes you are sad. You may not be able to point out a single incident or even a number of incidents that are making you sad. They may have some effects but you know they should not make you as sad as you are. You are just sad. Stop looking for the reasons. Indulged in it for a while. A sad movie, a sad story or a sentimental song. Or a chat with an old friend, a long walk in the park, an evening by the sea. Do whatever works for you. Sadness prepare us for happier times. Just don't lay on It for too long. It may get so comfortable that you would not want to get up again.

Leaves Falling - Sound of Silence by Regon Kuo

叶子 - Leaves

I've had just enough time to...   be thankful for leaves

Taken in the garden village of Sungei Buloh, Malaysia

I was in the town of Sungei Buloh (River of Bamboo) shopping for orchids before the Chinese New Year. In those old less enlightened days, this place was used to isolate a leper colony from the general populace. A vocation was needed for these displaced people and in an ironic way, growing flowers and plants was the profession chosen for them. Now it is a thriving town engaged predominantly in the gardening business. The city has expanded and engulfed the area making it a very valuable real estate. Now, those once shunted lepers and their descendants are not only businessmen and women but also millionaires putting a final irony to the Town of The River of Bamboo.

Everyone was looking down because there were flowers in glorious bloom everywhere. On both sides of the small lane, on every multiple racks, in every stall and corners, any space that can be squeezed in, flowers of all varieties and colors and forms smiled back at you. But my attention was up, at that wondrous spread of rain tree branches and the millions of tiny leaves blinking at me. Whenever the wind stirred, a few shook themselves from the branches and floated down in an erratic but graceful dance to join the other fallen leaves on the roof. 

I love flowers but it was the leaves that talked to me that day.  And leaves always reminded me of that sad song  叶子yèzi (Leaf ). I heard that haunting voice as I stood by the road shoulder looking up feeling deliciously sad while boisterous trading were happening all round me. And what made it even more poignant is that I will never hear her singing a new song again. '阿桑' (Ah Sang) had a hard life. She was discovered singing in a pub and “Leaf” made her famous. Just when it appeared that Life is finally giving her the break she deserved, she quietly left the entertainment scene. Not long later, the world was shocked to learn that she has succumbed to breast cancer. She was only 34.

叶子                                                                         Leaves

阿桑                                   Ah Sang

叶子 是不会飞翔的翅膀                   Leaves are wings that cannot fly

翅膀是落在天上的叶子                    Wings are leaves dropped in the sky

天堂 原来应该不是妄想                  Heaven is not wishful thinking after all

只是我早已经遗忘                           It's just I've forgotten long ago

当初怎么开始飞翔                           How it is then, I could fly

孤单 是一个人的狂欢                      Loneliness is the reverly of the lonely

狂欢是一群人的孤单                       Reverly is the loneliness of the crowd

爱情 原来的开始是陪伴                 Love has its beginning in togetherness

但我也渐渐地遗忘                           But I've gradually forgotten

当时是怎样有人陪伴                       How it is I had you for company

我一个人吃饭旅行                           Now I eat and travel alone

到处走走停停                                  Wandering aimlessly

也一个人看书写信                           I read and write alone

自己对话谈心                                  With myself, conversing

只是心又飘到了哪里                       But where is my heart floating to?

就连自己看也看不清                       I can't see clearly

我想我不仅仅是失去你                  Just feel it is not only you I lost

Walking Alone On Lovers' Bridge

I've had just enough time to...   look at Lover's Bridge

Taken of the Lover's Bridge in Tanjung Sepat, Selangor, Malaysia

I remember the rickety old “Lovers' Bridge”

Where the waves slapped against the slanted legs

Letting out mournful sighs that I thought, was sweet

I brushed down my hair ruffled by the unruly winds

And enjoyed their vehemence for I thought, that was sweet

I smiled at the gray clouds for blocking out the intense sun

And was thankful the approaching storm was still far away

In your eyes, I saw no doubt only affection

And was happy that day, on Lovers' Bridge

Today, I walk alone, on Lovers' Bridge

The waves are mournful

The wind cruel

I am only grateful to the clouds

Kind enough for holding back the rains

And add to my misery