Thoughts on Dying and Death.

I've had just enough time to...   mourn the passing of a friend

Death in the Cycle of Life in the lotus pond in Taiping Lake 

Last night (this was written before my trip and posted after) I attended the funeral of one of my friend’s mother. We who were a closely knitted group during high school, now meet as a group only on weddings and funerals. I was the youngest and had left the group though some members still meet regularly for badminton and suppers twice a week. Thus, I have not much to add to the free-flowing conversations but listened with interests. They are good friends but I was always sort of an outsider within, then and now. The trouble was and is with me - a loner of thoughts, a dreamer, impractical and more than a little odd. They on the other hand were regular guys out for a good time, uncomplicated.

Our conversation was not a happy one that night. Not because of the passing of our friend’s mother. Most of us in the group treated death quite casually. The aged have lived their life. They died. It is meant to be. There is nothing particularly sad about it. Death is accepted with resignation, more than sorrow. We may recalled some episodes that involved the dead, felt a few tucks at the heart but generally accepted that death is inevitable and that dragging on just create suffering all round. In this, we are surprisingly similar in thoughts and feelings. Thus, there is very little sadness felt in the funerals we attended of the aged.

We were sad that night because our conversation is not about the dead but the dying and it concerned one of our gang. We learned that one of us did not make it that night because he is terminally ill in hospital with pancreatic cancer, last stage.  Four chemos in a month, the unbearable pain, the despair. In the end, it did not make a difference. He is dying. Why are we talking like he is a piece of bad news? Why are we not feeling it like a blow that floored us? Why are we not on the floor?

Many leaves and flowers have fallen leaving the branches bare...

So many memories. More of his idiosyncrasies than his virtues. More of his embarrassing behaviors than the quiet conversations we had. It made me sad that I did not express any of this to my friends. Why didn’t I? Is it because grief is a very private matter and cuts too close to share it honestly without devaluing the purity of the emotion? Maybe my friends are feeling the same but they are not showing it either. I asked his brother-in-law how was his emotional state. The answer pained me and I wonder (not for the first time) how I would feel if it is me.

One friend remarked that if I wanted to see him, I should visit soon. Again, the thought what I would want if I were him circled like vultures over my head. I know I would hope for a dignified death but if I cannot have that, I would not want others (including my friends) seeing me in a pitiful wasted condition suffering from pain from which they are helpless to release me from. I would not want that. I think it will make me feel worse if my friends visit me. But then, that is me. How would he think? What would he think of me as a friend for not even coming to say the last farewell? What would my other friends think, all of whom will do what most will do? Because they are my friends, what they think of me do matters but should I do what is expected of me or do what feels right? There is no right or wrong, that much I know. But do I follow my heart and my thoughts of doing what is best for my friend or what is best for me? I know if I did not see him before my trip to China, I will probably not see him again after my return.

On my first day in China, I received a text message informing me of his passing...

The Inspiration of Taiping Lake Garden - Part I

I've had just enough time to...   revisit Taiping Lake Garden

The beauty and serenity of Taiping Lake Garden and its town has inspired many of my posts. After the last post regarding the controversy surrounding the rain trees of the garden, I decided to revisit them and invite you to visit them together with me. (Click on the link to access any of the post)

“First Taste is Like First Love” 

The town is reputed to have the best “popiah” in the country. But it taste different from my distant memory so I compare it against first love.

“Loneliness Is an Empty Chair”

There is something very sad about empty benches and these row of empty benches under the ancient rain trees seemed so melancholy to me.

“Patriotism Is Not…”

 The political scene in the country is depressing with politicians trying to determine for us what patriotism is. I wanted to tell them what patriotism is not! The photo is taken in the museum near the lake.

“There is Nothing Like Walking among the Dead”

As much as the area surrounding the lake is beautiful, there are also quiet places that you can visit for reflection like the war cemetery. Don’t think me odd until you have taken a walk with the dead.

“Will A Name Live Forever?”

As I read the names and inscriptions on the tombstones, I wonder how long will a name live?  If it is carved in stone, will it live forever?

“If Life Is A Crooked Bridge”

I came across a crooked bridge in the garden and was confronted with this question “If Life is a crooked bridge, can you walk straight?”

What Is This Creature “Sir Tyre?” 

Upset by the political scene, I was inspired to write a satire. If you are Malaysian, you should be able to understand at least some of the allusion. I was looking for an image to go along with it when I thought this in front of the Taiping museum appropriate.

Saving The Rain Trees of Taiping

I've had just enough time to...   see the rain trees saved

Taken of the Taiping Lake Garden, the most beautiful park in Malaysia

The rain trees lined the serene shore

Dipping its branches into the forbidden lake

Rippling the surface stirred by wayward winds

Sending a gentle cascade of dropping leaves

On wet grasses and empty benches

Providing solace to aching hearts and aching feet

Slowing down time to a slow crawl

Witnessed by the distant hills and century trees

Through the veils of morning mists and driving rain

A scene that soothes the heart with a gift of memory

That may not last as long as the trees

Only just as long as we live…

And they want to set up kiosks in this sacred land

To sell snacks and souvenirs!

Reflection Part III – Where Have All The Good Times Gone?

I've had just enough time to...   try to see his reflections on the water.

Taken in the same Taiping Park in Taiping, Malaysia

What does he see

When he looks into the water?

Does he see the years that went by?

Does he see regrets floating on the surface?

Does he see opportunities lost?

Does he see paths that should have been taken?

Goals that should have been achieved?

Or does he see

The reflections of his grandchildren

And is contended with that

_______

Won't you tell me

Where have all the good times gone

Where have all the good times gone

Where have all the good times gone

Once we had an easy ride 

and always felt the same

Time was on our side 

and I had everything to gain

Let it be like yesterday

Please let me have happy days

David Bowie - Where have all the good times gone

Reflection Part II – Memories of the Way We Were

I've had just enough time to...   reflect on the way we were

Taken while strolling round Taiping Park in Taiping, Malaysia.

The reflections on the water

Sweep the memories pass

Its calm surface

To a misty land

Of ghostly images

That pulls at the heartstrings

Vibrating

And exciting

Emotions

Long thought dead

_______

Memories,

Like the corners of my mind

Misty water-coloured memories

Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

Barbra Streisand - Way We Were 

Reaching Out Just To Touch.

I've had just enough time to...   reach out...

I saw this plant in Taiping Park reaching out over the water.

Reaching out

Over the water

Across the distance

Over time and space

Stretching out to touch

With the tip of a finger...

Reaching out to touch you

Won’t you reach out too?

_______

Lately I’ve been hard to reach

I’ve been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world

Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?

Are you trying to get through?

Are you reaching out for me?

I’m reaching out for you 

Rock Therapy Queen + Paul Rodgers Reaching Out

In my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's minds

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh

They can all get f*****.

Just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh, they can all get f*****.

Just stay true to you

Beautiful - Eminem

The Lament of An Old Park Bench.

I've had just enough time to...   sit on an old park bench.

Taken of this old park bench on top of Maxwell Hill that has seen better days.

I met an old park bench

Looking kind of sad

Or maybe a little mad

From the way it blenched.

When I am about to sit

It shrieked “Don’t do it!”

When I asked “Why Not?”

It said “My purpose is lost”

“I used to be happy

To do what I do best

To provide a respite,

A little rest.

But when they prefer the grass

I know my time has passed,”

I sat down gently on the dirty bench

Cradled its arm around the bend

Sat with it silently into the night

Till it was just us, and the starlight.

The next morning I went back to the park

To where the bench and me shared a spark

But the bench was nowhere to be found

Just a puddle of dew left on the ground.

______

A sea of smile and a river of tears
A flood of memories
Imagination will take me back
(Chorus)
On an Old Park Bench
Old Park Bench
Old Park Bench
Old Park Bench
A summer's night, the stars aglow
Did more than light the sky
With fortune, fantasy, and fate
We dream on an old park bench
I take your hand in my hand
You hold my soul in yours
One touch becomes eternal
When falling in love

A Little Pebble To Create A Tsunami

I've has just enough time to...   throw a little pebble to create a tsunami

Taken while cruising Tanah Merah lake in Taiping, Malaysia.

I told them if -

I throw a little pebble into the sea

It could create a tsunami

But they would not believe me

They say -

Crabs walking sideways cannot learn to walk straight

The dodo birds cannot sprout wings and take to the sky

The lemmings who stop the march will get run over

Why rock the boat when it is still over the water?

Which ostrich can stop running from its own shadow?

Who will be the fool to shout “broken arrow”?

The silent men may get passage to the ivory tower

The rest will be used as cannon fodder

Courage cannot put a meal on the table

Suicide can be done without a knife

Go shoot yourself in the head

When you’re done shooting the toes

You will not live past midnight

Because you will not listen

The hollow men speak without moving their lips

Together all at once disharmoniously

I threw my little pebble out into the sea

Waiting for the waves

To blow them over!

How Can A Heart Hold So Much Sorrow?

I've had just enough time to...   hold some sorrow.

Taken in Taiping, Malaysia under the Rain Tree.

The still water 

Beneath the Rain Tree

Gathered the tears 

Of a thousand drops

Of hanging leaves 

Distressed by August tales

Of wandering clouds 

From a distant land

Where morning songs

Were drowned 

By thundering hooves

Stirring up a dust storm

Swept through the land

Into every home

Choking and stifling

And when the rain came

It was no salvation

Except burying everything 

In mud

Hidden 

Except for the tales 

Carried by the wind to 

The drifting clouds

Caught by the Rain Tree

Coalesced 

Into the pool beneath it

How can a heart hold so much sorrow?

Swinging Birches.

I've had just enough time to...   wish I'm again swinging birches.

Caught the monkey swinging in the Taiping park and wished I was the one swinging.

I stopped to watch the monkey swinging on the branch.

It seemed so much fun that I wish I was the one swinging 

And the monkey was me.

_______

"Birches" (1916) - Robert Frost

I should prefer to have some boy bend them

As he went out and in to fetch the cows--

Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,

Whose only play was what he found himself,

Summer or winter, and could play alone.

One by one he subdued his father's trees

By riding them down over and over again

Until he took the stiffness out of them,

And not one but hung limp, not one was left

For him to conquer. He learned all there was

To learn about not launching out too soon

And so not carrying the tree away

Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise

To the top branches, climbing carefully

With the same pains you use to fill a cup

Up to the brim, and even above the brim.

Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,

Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.

And so I dream of going back to be.

It's when I'm weary of considerations,

And life is too much like a pathless wood

Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs

Broken across it, and one eye is weeping

From a twig's having lashed across it open.

I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over.

May no fate willfully misunderstand me

And half grant what I wish and snatch me away

Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:

I don't know where it's likely to go better.

I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,

And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk

Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,

But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.

One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. 

If Life Is A Crooked Bridge.

I've had just enough time...   to walk a crooked bridge.

Taken in Taiping park.

If Life is a crooked bridge,

Can you walk straight?

There Is Nothing Like Walking Among The Dead.

I've had just enough time...   to walk among the dead.

Taken in the war cemetery in Taiping.

 

There is nothing like walking among the graves to still your thoughts. To bring you down to earth. To confront your mortality. To reflect on your life. To review your priorities. To have that peace of mind. 

Knowing that there is one unwavering certainty in this world. That of your death. That makes you ponder – what you want to make of your life. There is nothing like walking among the dead to get your answers for the living.

Try doing that. Alone.

Patriotism Is Not...

I've had just enough time...   to appeal others to vote.

Taken in Taiping

Patriotism is not about waving a flag aimlessly.

At the very least,

It is exercising your right -

To VOTE!

UNDILAH! (Please VOTE!)